Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
