Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
