I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
