i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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