Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Randomize
