Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize