Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
