i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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