We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
