I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
