You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
