Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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