I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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