My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
