the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
