Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
