Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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