miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
