awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
did i walk over a car last night?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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