Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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