Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize