im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
