So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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