Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
