my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
