i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
