Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
