sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
A bitchslap is in order.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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