I should be sponsored by Trojan
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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