Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
