last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
