Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize