I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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