I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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