summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
