Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
