My Higher Power is John Stamos
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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