We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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