I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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