If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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