I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
