Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You need a sexual gate keeper
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
