I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Randomize
