i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize