At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
