I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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