Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
