I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
