and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
