he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
