census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize