If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Boobs are out for the taking
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
