I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
