Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
