I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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