what day is it and did you see me today?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
