So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
you never un-have a 4some
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
