you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
