I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
