Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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