Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
