Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
