You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We left the knife in your bed.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
