Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
