So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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