I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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