got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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