My cat gives me a boner
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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