Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize
