you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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