My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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